About this episode Unraveling a love story from its poignant end, this podcast embarks on a weekly journey backward in time, each episode peeling back a layer of what was. Narrated with a voice that still clings to every memory, we explore the 'why' behind the eventual parting, offering listeners a unique perspective on love, loss, and the enduring echoes of a past relationship. Tune in to understand the intricate dance of two souls, told with raw emotion and a lingering sense of what could have been.
0:00 The walls would be blue.0:02 A very specific blue.0:04 The color of the sea just before a storm.0:09 You said it held both calm and electricity.0:14 A perfect color for a room where we would create things.0:20 A writing room.0:22 A studio.0:23 Our room.0:24 We were sitting on the floor of our first apartment, the one with the crooked floors and the radiator that hissed like a snake.0:37 Surrounded by empty pizza boxes.0:41 And we were building a house with our words.0:46 A house we would never live in.0:49 Each week, we trace this heartbreak backwards.0:54 You and I.0:55 We keep pulling at the threads, hoping to find the very first one.1:03 The one that started it all.1:06 Last week was about the silence, the quiet spaces that grew between us.1:14 Tonight… tonight we go further back.1:18 Back to when the air was filled with nothing BUT words.1:24 With plans.1:25 With promises.1:26 Back to the house made of sentences.1:30 It was always late when we had these talks.1:35 Long after midnight.1:37 The city outside had finally quieted down, and it felt like we were the only two people awake in the entire world.1:50 You would sketch the floor plan on a napkin.1:55 Your lines were so certain.1:58 So straight.1:59 Here is the kitchen.2:01 Here is the living room.2:04 Big windows, you’d say.2:06 We need ALL the light we can get.2:10 I would watch your hands.2:13 The way your fingers held the pen.2:16 The focus in your eyes.2:19 You weren’t just doodling.2:22 You were building.2:24 I believed in your blueprints.2:27 I believed in them more than I believed in almost anything.2:34 I would add the details.2:36 A wood-burning stove.2:39 A deep porch with a swing.2:41 A small, messy garden in the back where we could grow tomatoes.2:48 You hated tomatoes, but you smiled.2:52 You said, okay.2:54 We’ll grow your tomatoes.2:57 For me.2:57 It was always for me, or for you.3:01 It was always about what we could give each other in this imaginary place.3:09 A place that felt more real than the apartment we were actually in.3:17 That night, you were especially… vivid.3:21 You described the grain of the wood on the floors.3:26 The way the morning sun would hit the staircase.3:32 You could hear the sound of the screen door closing.3:37 You could smell the coffee brewing.3:41 And I closed my eyes and I was there.3:45 I was really there.3:47 It wasn’t a dream.3:49 It was a memory of the future.3:53 That’s what it felt like.3:55 A memory of a life we hadn’t lived yet.4:00 You looked at me then.4:02 Your eyes were so bright.4:05 So full of this unwavering certainty.4:09 "It's going to be perfect." You said it so simply.4:15 Like you were stating the time.4:18 Or the weather.4:20 A fact.4:20 Not a hope.4:22 Not a wish.4:23 A fact.4:24 And I… I just nodded.4:26 What else could I do?4:28 How do you tell the architect of your future that you’re afraid of heights?4:36 That the foundation feels… shaky.4:40 Not the house's foundation.4:43 Ours.4:44 I didn’t say anything.4:46 I just let you keep building.4:49 Room by room.4:51 Promise by promise.4:53 We fell asleep on the floor.4:56 Curled up against each other.4:59 The napkin with your drawing resting on my chest.5:04 I remember thinking, this is it.5:08 This is the happiest I will ever be.5:12 Not in the house.5:14 Not in the future.5:16 Right here.5:17 On this dirty floor.5:19 With the smell of cardboard and the weight of your arm around me.5:26 This moment.5:28 This was the destination.5:30 I think a part of me knew it even then.5:35 We were so focused on the future.5:38 On the house with the storm-blue walls.5:43 We spent years designing it.5:46 Talking about it.5:48 Saving for it.5:49 It became our North Star.5:52 The thing that guided every decision.5:56 Every argument ended with, “but the house.” Every sacrifice was made for “the house.” It was our shared religion.6:08 But a house is just a structure.6:12 Wood and nails and glass.6:15 It can’t hold the weight of two people’s entire happiness.6:21 It’s not designed for that.6:24 I remember you saying, “When we get there, everything will be different.” “When we get there, we’ll have time.” “When we get there, we’ll be happy.” There.6:41 A place we were always traveling toward, but never arriving at.6:48 And I started to wonder.6:51 What if there is no ‘there’?6:54 What if this… right now… is all it is?6:58 The turn wasn’t a big fight.7:01 It wasn’t a betrayal.7:03 It was a quiet Tuesday.7:06 You were looking at property listings online.7:11 I was making dinner.7:13 You called me over, excited.7:16 You’d found it.7:18 A small plot of land.7:20 Near the coast.7:22 It was perfect.7:23 It was everything we’d ever talked about.7:28 And I looked at the screen… and I felt nothing.7:33 Absolutely nothing.7:35 The dream was right there.7:38 A single click away.7:40 And all I felt was… tired.7:43 The architect had finished the plans.7:47 The builder was ready to break ground.7:51 But the person who was supposed to live there… she had left the building a long, long time ago.8:02 I think about that night on the floor a lot.8:07 The two of us, building a life out of words.8:12 It was so beautiful.8:14 We were so sure.8:15 And I’ve spent all this time since we ended… trying to figure out where the first crack appeared.8:26 Was it in the foundation of the house?8:30 Or was it in us?8:32 We wanted the same thing.8:35 A life together.8:37 A future.8:38 A home.8:38 But we saw it differently.8:41 For you, the dream was the destination.8:46 The finished house, the perfect life, the happy ending.8:52 You needed to believe it was not only possible, but INEVITABLE.8:59 It was a project to be completed.9:02 A problem to be solved.9:05 And you were so good at solving problems.9:09 For me… I think for me, the dream was the process.9:15 The planning.9:16 The late-night talks.9:18 The sketching on napkins.9:21 The feeling of your arm around me on the floor.9:26 The happiness wasn't in the house.9:30 It was in the building.9:33 It was in the shared act of imagining.9:37 The moment we started talking about down payments and mortgages… the magic started to fade.9:47 It became real.9:49 And the reality could never live up to the dream we had built.9:55 The walls were never going to be that exact shade of blue.10:02 The light would never fall in quite the right way.10:07 And we… we were never going to be the people who lived in that perfect house.10:16 We were the people who dreamed of it.10:20 And maybe, that was all we were ever meant to be.10:25 Maybe the love story wasn't the life we were supposed to live.10:32 It was the one we made up together, on the floor, in the middle of the night.
