0:00 A mortal named Christopher Nolan is releasing a moving picture show about The Odyssey.0:06 On July seventeenth.0:07 He calls it a “live-action film.” I call it an INSULT.0:11 What is “live-action”?0:13 Is there any other kind?!0:15 Did he consult Odysseus?0:17 Did he consult ME?0:18 No!0:18 He just… points his little light-box at some actors and thinks he’s captured a story that we WROTE with thunderbolts and sea-monsters.0:28 They say it’s “highly anticipated.” By whom?0:31 The other mortals who forgot how to read?0:35 What?0:35 No, Artemis, I’m not going to tell them about the part with Circe’s pigs.0:40 Because it’s undignified!0:42 And besides, they’d probably give the pig a “character arc” and a spinoff series!0:48 They’ve spent two hundred million of their little paper tokens on this.0:54 Two hundred MILLION.0:55 For a story you can get for free!0:57 From your elders!0:59 If you just LISTENED.1:00 This Georgetown professor, this Alex Sens, he says, “If you haven’t read the 2,700-year-old Greek poem, have no fear.” Oh, thank you, Alex!1:11 Thank you for your PERMISSION to be ignorant!1:14 We chiseled these stories onto the very fabric of reality and you treat it like a… like a summer beach read!1:22 He says Odysseus is like a “modern-day superhero.” LIKE?!1:26 He IS the template!1:28 Where do you think these caped children who punch asteroids came from?1:33 They didn’t spring fully-formed from a focus group, I can tell you that.1:38 Odysseus had CUNNING.1:40 He had a decade of bad luck and a pantheon of petty gods actively trying to kill him.1:46 Your superheroes have a sad backstory and a personal trainer.1:51 It is NOT the same.1:52 Will you BE QUIET?!1:53 No, Ares, no one cares that you think the Trojan War was your best work.1:59 It was a MESS.2:00 As I was saying, before I was so RUDELY interrupted by the god of… well, rude interruptions… the problem isn’t the story.2:09 The story is perfect.2:10 The problem is these… these tiny glowing rectangles everyone is staring at.2:16 They watch our tragedies on a screen the size of a pastry.2:20 They “like” and they “share” and they add a little picture of a… flaming poo emoji?2:27 WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?2:28 Is that praise?2:29 Is that a curse?2:31 You can’t smite an emoji!2:33 I’ve TRIED.2:33 They take something sacred, something that took ten years of blood and brine and divine meddling to unfold… and they shrink it.2:43 They package it.2:44 They sell it with popcorn.2:46 Popcorn!2:47 A puffed grain!2:48 That is what they consume while watching a man fight a CYCLOPS.2:52 The disrespect is… it’s breathtaking, really.2:56 It’s almost an art form in itself.2:58 Oh, for the love of— ZEUS, I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A BROADCAST!3:03 I don’t care if it’s your turn to make it rain, the mortals are telling our stories again and they’re getting it ALL WRONG!3:12 What do you mean, “let them”?3:14 What do you MEAN, “it’s good for brand awareness”?!3:18 Did Hera put you up to this?3:20 Is there an OLYMPUS-BRANDED T-SHIRT I don’t know about?3:24 This is what happens when you let Prometheus give them fire.3:28 It was all downhill from there.3:31 First fire, then democracy, now… cinematic universes.3:35 They make films about our past.3:37 They build museums to our memory.3:40 They seem to have forgotten that we are not a memory.3:43 We are a storm, waiting just off the coast.3:47 Let them have their little movie.3:49 Let them watch Odysseus come home.3:52 But they should remember… the gods are still here.3:55 And we are NOT entertainment.
