0:00 A study from the University of California found that using 'I' statements instead of 'you' statements in a conflict reduces the other person's defensiveness by over forty percent.0:14 In our last practice, episode ninety-three, we focused on noticing the feeling of a boundary being crossed—that internal alarm bell.0:25 Today, we find the words.0:27 You know the feeling.0:29 The request comes in—an email, a text, a question from across the room.0:35 And your stomach tightens.0:37 Your shoulders tense.0:38 You feel that familiar wave of resentment, or exhaustion, or just… dread.0:44 You learned last time to recognize that feeling.0:48 To name it.0:49 That’s the signal.0:51 A boundary is needed.0:52 And then… nothing.0:54 You don't say anything.0:56 You say yes when you mean no.0:58 You stay silent when you want to speak up.1:01 You agree to the thing that will drain your time, your energy, your peace.1:08 And later, you get angry.1:10 Angry at them for asking.1:12 But mostly, angry at yourself for not saying anything.1:16 Why?1:16 Why is it so hard to find the words?1:19 Because you’re trying to solve the wrong problem.1:23 You think the problem is finding the perfect, magical phrase that will let you say no without anyone feeling bad.1:33 A sentence so elegant, so polite, so reasonable, that the other person will smile, thank you for your honesty, and not be disappointed at all.1:44 That sentence does not exist.1:47 The gap between knowing you need a boundary and actually voicing it… that’s a space filled with fear.1:55 Fear of being difficult.1:57 Fear of being disliked.1:59 Fear of conflict.2:00 You tell yourself a story.2:02 "If I say no, they’ll think I’m selfish." "If I push back, I’ll damage the relationship." "It’s just easier to say yes." Is it?2:13 Is it easier?2:14 Or does saying yes just trade a moment of discomfort now for days or weeks of resentment later?2:21 Resentment is poison.2:23 It doesn't harm the person you're mad at.2:26 They don't even know.2:28 It corrodes you.2:29 It eats away at your relationships from the inside out.2:34 The very relationship you were trying to "protect" by not speaking up.2:40 The work isn't to avoid conflict.2:42 It's to have clean conflict.2:45 And clean conflict requires clear language.2:48 Let’s get practical.2:50 The reason you freeze is because you’re running a thousand calculations in your head.2:57 What’s the nicest way to say this?3:00 How do I soften it?3:01 What excuse can I give?3:03 You’re trying to manage their emotions.3:06 Stop.3:07 That is not your job.3:08 Your job is to be clear.3:10 Your only job is to state your reality as simply as possible.3:15 Here is the turn.3:17 The insight that changes everything.3:20 You are not asking for permission.3:22 You are providing information.3:25 Your boundary is not a request to be approved.3:29 It is a fact to be communicated.3:31 You’ve been asking, "How can I say this nicely?" The real question is, "How can I say this clearly?" Clarity IS kindness.3:41 Ambiguity is cruel.3:43 Making someone guess what you need is an unfair burden.3:47 Apologizing for having a need is a betrayal of yourself.3:52 So what does that sound like?3:54 It sounds shorter than you think.3:57 It sounds less apologetic than you’re used to.4:01 It sounds like a statement of fact, not a negotiation.4:05 Let’s try some on.4:06 Imagine the situation.4:08 A friend asks you to help them move on your only free Saturday.4:13 You feel that internal 'no'.4:16 The old way: "Oh, wow, Saturday...4:18 um, I wish I could, I just have soooo much going on and I feel terrible, maybe I could stop by for a little bit but I'm not sure..." That’s ambiguous.4:31 It’s an apology for having your own life.4:34 It leaves the door open for negotiation.4:37 It’s not clear.4:39 The new way.4:40 The clear way.4:41 "I appreciate you asking.4:43 I'm not available on Saturday." That’s it.4:46 That’s the whole sentence.4:48 Notice what’s NOT there.4:50 There’s no long explanation.4:53 No justification.4:54 No apology.4:55 It’s not rude.4:56 It’s not aggressive.4:58 It is clear.4:59 It is a fact.5:00 You are not available.5:01 Let’s try another.5:03 Your boss asks you to take on a project that you do not have the capacity for.5:09 The old way: "Okay, yeah, I can try to fit it in.5:13 My plate is pretty full, but I'll see what I can do." This guarantees you will be working late.5:21 It guarantees resentment.5:23 The new way: "My current workload means I can’t give that project the attention it deserves.5:31 I can either prioritize this new project over X, or we can move the deadline on Y.5:37 Which would you prefer?" See the difference?5:41 You are not saying no to being a team player.5:45 You are stating the reality of your capacity.5:48 You are presenting the consequences of the request and handing the choice back to them.5:55 It’s collaborative, but it holds the boundary.5:59 The boundary is: I cannot do everything.6:02 Which is a fact.6:04 Here are the phrases.6:05 Burn them into your mind.6:08 They are your tools.6:09 "That doesn't work for me." "I'm not able to commit to that right now." "I have a policy of not lending money." "I'm not the right person for that task." "No." Yes, "no" is a complete sentence.6:25 You’ve heard that before.6:27 But you probably thought it was for other, braver people.6:32 It’s for you.6:33 It feels blunt because you’re used to wrapping your 'no' in five layers of apology.6:40 But to the other person, it can be a gift.6:43 The gift of clarity.6:45 They know where they stand.6:47 They can move on and find another solution.6:50 The goal is not for them to like your boundary.6:54 The goal is for them to hear your boundary.6:58 Respecting it is their work.7:00 Stating it is yours.7:02 So let's consolidate this.7:04 The practice we started in the last episode was about noticing the feeling.7:10 That’s step one.7:11 Don’t skip it.7:12 Today, you learned step two.7:15 Finding the words.7:16 The key is to shift your goal from being liked to being understood.7:22 Your tools are simple, clear, declarative sentences.7:26 You are not asking for permission.7:29 You are stating a fact.7:30 "I am not available." "That does not work for me." "I can't take that on." This is an act of self-respect.7:39 It says my time is valuable.7:41 My energy is finite.7:43 My peace matters.7:44 Saying no to the things that drain you is how you create the space to say a real, enthusiastic yes to the things that fill you up.7:55 Of course… there’s a next step.7:58 What happens when you state your boundary, clearly and calmly… and they don’t accept it?8:05 What happens when they push back?8:07 When they argue, or try to guilt you, or just plain ignore it?8:13 That is where the real work begins.8:15 And that is what we will cover in our next practice.8:20 For today, your only job is to find the words.8:23 And say them.
