0:00 Come, sit down, my dear.0:02 Last time, we spoke about building your boundaries as a quiet act of self-respect.0:08 Today, we must talk about the noisy part.0:12 We must talk about what happens when your ‘no’ disappoints someone you care for, and how to stand firm when their feelings are loud.0:23 My dear, listen to me.0:25 The reason it feels so hard is not because you are weak.0:29 It is because you are kind.0:32 You have a good heart that does not want to cause pain for others.0:37 This is a beautiful thing.0:39 But a heart that only beats for others will eventually stop beating for itself.0:46 You feel their disappointment like a stone in your own belly.0:51 You see the sadness in their face, you hear the hurt in their voice, and you think, "Ah, I have done a terrible thing.1:01 I am selfish.1:02 I am difficult." Chai!1:04 Who told you that lie?1:06 Who taught you that your own peace is less important than another person’s convenience?1:13 Let me tell you something I learned.1:16 When I was a much younger teacher, just starting out, there was a senior mistress at my school.1:24 A very respected woman.1:26 And she would ask me for… favours.1:29 "Ah, Ngozi, can you just cover my class for the last hour?1:34 I have an urgent errand." "Ngozi, my dear, please help me mark these extra report cards, you are so much faster than I am." And because I was young, and because I respected her, I always said yes.1:50 Of course.1:51 How could I say no?1:53 But her "urgent errand" happened every week.1:56 Her pile of "extra report cards" grew taller and taller.2:01 And I found myself staying late every night, exhausted, my own work suffering.2:08 My pot of soup at home was empty.2:11 I was tired down to my bones.2:13 And one day, I was so tired I made a serious mistake on my own students' records.2:20 That was the day I woke up.2:22 The next time she came, I took a deep breath.2:26 A very deep breath, o.2:28 And I said, "Ah, madam, I am so sorry, but I cannot cover your class today.2:34 I must finish my own records." My dear.2:37 The way this woman looked at me.2:40 You would have thought I had slapped her.2:43 Her face just… fell.2:45 She did not shout.2:47 She did not argue.2:48 She just looked so deeply, deeply disappointed in me.2:52 And she said, "Oh.2:54 I see.2:55 I thought I could count on you." And she walked away.2:59 Chai!2:59 That sentence followed me home.3:02 It sat with me while I ate my dinner.3:05 It whispered to me when I tried to sleep.3:09 "I thought I could count on you." It was a heavy, heavy coat to wear.3:14 I felt like the worst person in the world.3:18 I almost went to her house the next day to apologize, to say I would cover all her classes forever.3:26 But I did not.3:27 And you know what happened?3:30 Nothing.3:30 The world did not end.3:32 The school did not fall down.3:35 She found someone else.3:36 Or maybe, just maybe, she did her own work.3:40 After a week of cold silence, she started talking to me again.3:45 A little bit.3:46 And she never asked me to cover her class again.3:50 She had learned my boundary.3:53 But the most important person who learned it was ME.3:57 I learned that I could survive someone else’s disappointment.4:02 I learned that their disappointment was THEIR feeling.4:07 It was not my responsibility to fix.4:10 I had paid the school fees for this lesson, so I had to learn it.4:15 That feeling—that awful, sinking feeling of letting someone down—is not a stop sign.4:22 Do you hear me?4:24 It is a signpost.4:25 It tells you that you are standing at the edge of what has been comfortable, and you are about to step into what will make you strong.4:36 It is the price of admission for a life that is truly your own.4:42 So.4:42 Sit up.4:42 Wipe your face.4:44 Now we talk.4:45 How do you stand in that fire of their disappointment and not get burned?4:51 How do you hold your ground?4:53 It is a practice.4:55 It is a muscle.4:56 And we will build it now.4:58 Number one: Prepare for the storm.5:01 Do not be surprised when they are unhappy.5:04 Why would you be?5:06 You are changing the rules of the relationship.5:10 You have always said yes, and now you are saying no.5:14 They are accustomed to a certain reality, and you are creating a new one.5:20 A child who is told "no more sweets" does not smile and say "Thank you for looking after my health." No!5:29 They will cry, they will shout, they will say you are the meanest person alive.5:36 Some grown people are not so different.5:39 They will push back.5:41 They will look sad.5:42 They might get angry.5:44 They might try to make you feel guilty.5:47 "After all I've done for you?" "I thought we were friends." "You are being so selfish."
Expect it.5:55 When you expect it, it does not shock you.5:59 It does not knock you off your feet.6:02 You can look at their reaction and think, "Ah.6:06 Yes.6:06 There it is.6:07 Just as I expected." It loses its power when it is not a surprise.6:13 Number two: Your ‘no’ is a full sentence.6:16 You do not owe anyone a long explanation.6:20 A long explanation is not for them, it is for you.6:24 It is you trying to soften the blow, trying to make them understand, trying to manage their feelings.6:32 But all it does is give them something to argue with.6:37 It turns your "no" into a negotiation.6:40 If you say, "I can't come to the party because I am so tired and I have to work in the morning," they will say, "Oh, but come for just one hour!6:52 You can leave early!6:54 It will give you energy!"
But if you say, "Thank you so much for the invitation, but I won't be able to make it." Full stop.7:04 What can they say?7:06 Your ‘no’ can be simple.7:08 "That does not work for me." "I'm not able to take that on right now." "No, thank you." You do not need to apologize for it.7:18 It is your decision.7:20 It is complete all by itself.7:22 Number three: Be a broken record.7:25 This is for the persistent ones.7:28 The ones who do not hear the first 'no', or the second.7:32 You have said, "I am not able to lend you that money." And they come back with a long story, with tears, with pressure.7:42 Do not get into a new argument.7:45 Do not find new reasons.7:47 You simply repeat your 'no'.7:49 Calmly.7:50 Gently.7:50 But firmly.7:51 "I understand this is difficult for you, but I am not able to lend you money."
"But you don't understand, I just need—"
"I hear you, and as I said, I'm not in a position to lend money."
"But you are my family!8:09 You must—"
"I care about you, but my answer is the same.8:14 I cannot."
It feels strange, I know.8:17 It is boring.8:18 But wahala does not like to be bored.8:21 An argument needs two people to fight.8:24 If you refuse to pick up your side of the rope, the tug-of-war cannot happen.8:30 You just stand there, holding your peace.8:34 And number four, the most important of all: Separate their feeling from your decision.8:41 You can have compassion for their disappointment without taking responsibility for it.8:48 This is the highest level of this work, my dear.8:52 You can say, in your heart and with your words, "I see that you are hurting.8:59 I see that my 'no' has disappointed you, and I am truly sorry for your pain." And you can ALSO say, "And, my answer is still no.9:09 This boundary is what I need."
One does not cancel the other.9:15 You can be a kind person who feels empathy for another's sadness, AND be a strong person who protects her own well-being.9:25 "I am sorry this is difficult for you, but this is what I need to do for myself." It is honest.9:33 It is respectful.9:34 And it is true.9:35 This is not about winning a fight.9:38 It is about honouring your truth.9:41 So let us put this all together.9:44 What have you learned today?9:46 You have learned that the fear of disappointing others is normal.9:52 It is the feeling of your own good heart.9:55 But you have also learned that it is not a reason to abandon yourself.10:01 You have learned to expect the pushback, so it does not throw you.10:06 You have learned that a simple "no" is stronger than a long story.10:12 You have learned to be a calm, broken record.10:16 And most of all, you have learned that you can feel compassion for someone's disappointment, without making it your job to fix it.10:27 The goal is not to become a hard person who does not care.10:31 Ehen!10:32 Not at all.10:33 The goal is to become a person who is so solidly planted in her own self-respect that you can weather the storms of other people's feelings without being uprooted.10:47 You are not building a wall to keep people out.10:50 You are drawing a line in the sand to show them where you begin.10:56 You are teaching them how you need to be treated.11:00 And you are teaching yourself, most of all, that YOU are worth protecting.11:06 You have paid the school fees for this lesson, nne.11:10 You have paid with your exhaustion, with your resentment, with your peace.11:17 It is time to graduate.11:19 Now.11:19 After the storm...11:20 there is quiet.11:22 After you have said your 'no' and held your ground...11:26 there is space.11:27 You have taken back an hour of your evening.11:31 You have protected a Saturday for yourself.11:35 You have kept your energy from being drained by a task that was not yours to do.11:41 So the question becomes...11:44 what now?11:44 What will you do with that quiet?11:47 What will you build in that space?11:50 Saying 'no' is only half of the equation.11:53 It is the clearing of the land.11:56 But what will you plant?11:58 That is what we will discuss next time.12:01 We will talk about your powerful, intentional YES.12:06 The 'yes' to your own joy, your own rest, your own dreams.12:10 The 'yes' that you finally have the energy to say, because you have learned how to say 'no'.12:18 Until then, practice.12:20 Start small.12:21 Say no to one tiny thing.12:23 Feel the wobble of someone's disappointment, and stand steady.12:28 You can do it.12:29 I am proud of you, you hear me?12:32 Proud.
