About this episode This session explores the often challenging art of setting and maintaining boundaries, beginning with why they can feel so difficult to establish. It emphasizes viewing boundaries as acts of self-respect rather than self-protection, sharing personal insights from someone who’s learned that saying no to the wrong things opens the door to saying yes to what truly matters. Listeners will gain practical tools to hold their boundaries confidently, fostering healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self.
0:00 last time we talked about holding boundaries as an act of self respect we established that saying no isn't about pushing people away it's about pulling yourself closer today we go deeper than the what and the why we get into the how because knowing you need a boundary and actually holding one are two very different things separated by0:24 a single difficult ingredient courage this isn't about being fearless forget that fear is part of the deal you're going to feel it in your stomach in your throat in the way your heart hammers against your ribs right before you have to say the hard thing the goal isn't to eliminate the fear the goal is to act anyway0:49 the fear you feel when setting a boundary isn't a sign you're doing something wrong it's a sign you're doing something necessary it's the tension on the bowstring right before the arrow is released it means you're right at the edge of your old life about to step into a new one courage is simply the decision to take that1:08 step even when your legs are shaking i used to think courage was for soldiers and heroes in movies i thought it was some big dramatic act i was wrong courage is quiet it's the shaky voice that says no i'm not available it's the decision to sit in the discomfort of someone else's disappointment because you refuse to disappoint1:30 yourself it's choosing the hard conversation now over a long slow resentment later it's a practice and like any practice you get stronger every time you do it the first time feels impossible the tenth time feels possible and eventually it just feels like you so how do you find that courage how do you make the choice to honor1:55 yourself when everything in you is screaming about the risk you anchor your boundaries to something stronger than your fear you anchor them to your values this is the part nobody teaches they tell you to set boundaries like you're building a fence but they don't tell you how to build it on solid ground so the first storm doesn't2:14 knock it over your values are that solid ground when a boundary is just a war you made up i don't answer calls after 9pm it's easy to break a little pressure a little guilt and you fold but when that boundary is an expression of a core value like peace family or rest it becomes nonnegotiable it becomes part2:37 of who you are so let's do the work right now i want you to think of a time you felt genuinely proud a moment where you thought this is me i did that what was happening what value were you living out maybe it was honesty when you told the difficult truth maybe it was compassion when you helped2:58 someone with no expectation of reward maybe it was integrity when you did the right thing even when no one was watching get the feeling of that moment in your body that's a core value now do the opposite think of a time you felt a deep sense of regret or shame a moment that makes you cringe don't wallow3:23 in it just look at it what value was being violated maybe you weren't honest with yourself or someone else maybe you compromised your autonomy to please someone maybe you abandoned your own need for peace to get involved in drama that discomfort is a compass it's pointing directly at another one of your core values3:50 take a minute find three to five of these words for yourself words like integrity autonomy connection growth peace serenity creativity stability write them down if you can these aren't just words they are the constitution for your life they are the bedrock from now on your4:20 boundaries are not about what you're pushing away they are about what you are protecting they are the guardians of your values4:29 now you have your values let's make them work for you this is where we translate the abstract into the practical you take a value and you attach a boundary to it this is how you build the fence on solid ground let's say one of your core values is peace you value a calm centered life you hate drama4:53 but your family group chat is a constant source of stress politics gossip arguments you feel your anxiety spike every time a notification pops up the old way is to either suffer in silence or have an angry outburst and leave the group causing more drama the new way is to set a value based boundary your boundary isn't i5:18 hate this group chat your boundary is in order to protect my peace i will check this chat once a day or i will not engage in arguments here or even i am muting this conversation to preserve my mental health do you see the shift the action is for you not against them let's try another one value autonomy5:44 you need to feel in control of your own choices and your own time but you have a boss who emails you at all hours expecting an immediate response your weekends aren't your own your evenings are spent on high alert you feel resentful and burned out the boundary isn't a passive aggressive delay in responding the boundary is a6:06 clear proactive statement rooted in your value it could be an out of office reply that says thank you for your message i am not checking email outside of my working hours of nine to five in order to be fully present with my family i will respond to your note when i return or it could be a direct6:24 conversation to do my best work i need to fully disconnect and recharge in the evenings so unless it's a true emergency i will be responding to emails the following business day this isn't about being a difficult employee this is about being a sustainable one you are saying yes to your long term effectiveness what about a value like6:46 connection people think boundaries destroy connection that's wrong unspoken boundaries and the resentment they breed are what destroy connection clear boundaries create the safety required for true intimacy let's say your value is deep authentic connection but you have a friend who only ever talks about themselves that use you as a sounding board an emotional dumping ground you leave7:15 every conversation feeling drained and unseen a value based boundary sounds like this our friendship means a lot to me and because of that i want to be honest lately i've been feeling like our conversations are a bit one-sided for me to feel truly connected i need our dynamic to be more of a two way street that is7:38 a hard sentence to say it is also a sentence that can save a friendship or it can reveal that the friendship wasn't one you wanted to save either outcome is a win for your value of connection every time you feel that pull that request that demand that situation that makes your stomach clench you now have a new8:01 question to ask not what should i do but what does my value require of me right now the answer to that question is your boundary and here's the most important part every no that is grounded in a value is also a powerful resounding yes to yourself no i can't take on that extra project is yes to producing8:28 high quality work on my current projects no i will not discuss my personal life with you is yes to my own privacy and safety no you cannot speak to me that way is yes to my self respect this is how you stop feeling like the bad guy you're not the minister of no you are the champion of8:50 your own yes you are saying yes to your peace yes to your health yes to your integrity yes to your own life i learned the hard way that for years i was saying yes to everyone else which meant i was saying no to myself over and over again the moment i started saying no to the things that9:12 violated my values my real life began let's consolidate this before this session you knew you needed boundaries you felt the resistance the fear the guilt now you understand that fear is not a stop sign it's a landmark showing you where the important work is you're no longer just trying to build a wall to keep things out you're9:36 building a foundation based on what matters most to you you now have a practical method identify the values the things that make you proud the principles you want to live by peace integrity autonomy connection growth then you translate those values into action you create boundaries that are not rules of deprivation but acts of protection protection for your10:05 most sacred inner territory you can now look at any difficult choice any uncomfortable request and filter it through your values this gives you clarity it gives you strength it gives you a reason for your no that is so much bigger than just not wanting to do something and you now understand the great reframe every boundary is a10:29 no to something but it is a yes to something more important it is a yes to your own well-being a yes to your own self respect you are no longer just avoiding discomfort you are actively choosing yourself that is the practice it's not about perfection it's about intention you have the tools now you can start today so10:54 you have your values you've framed your boundaries you've practiced saying them in the mirror you found the courage to say your first real no and then it happens the pushback the person on the other side of your new boundary doesn't just accept it they challenge it they question it they try to dismantle it they might use guilt11:17 after all i've done for you you can't do this one thing they might use manipulation if you really cared about me you would they might use anger trying to intimidate you into backing down this is the moment of truth it's one thing to build the boundary it's another thing entirely to hold the line when someone is actively11:37 trying to tear it down that is where we are going next in our next session we will talk about what to do when your boundaries are tested we'll get specific we'll cover the most common tactics people use to make you fold the guilt trips the challenges to your character the emotional escalation and i will give you the11:57 scripts the literal words to say to stand firm to deescalate conflict and to hold your ground without losing your cool or your conviction building the boundary was the first step learning to defend it is the next and that's what we'll do together
